i got some big secrets.
im happy this way.
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he texted me last night.
randomly.
he told me he is gonna be a dad.
shes 3 months pregnant.
we broke up 2 months ago.
do.the.math.
i got the text at 9:44pm…he asked me out 7 months ago at 9:43pm
i dont know why but thats all i can think about.
how ironic that the happiest time was also the worse.
im destroyed. crushed. indescribable. unreachable.
fuuuuuuuuck.
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so the last post on here was from january. I didnt believe in marriage, i was still stuck on danny, and i wasnt wanting anyone else. since then i have gotten over danny[finally!] annnd got engaged hahaha. crazy i know. how does someone go from not believing in marriage to getting engaged?? well….i guess love can do some crazy things. unfortunately the engagement was called off and we are no longer together. yes i still think about him everyday, yes i still wonder what could have happened, and yes i still love him. but i know this is for the best. its incredibly heartbreaking but moving on is something i will have to painfully do until he is out of my heart. i do not regret him…he taught me a lot and gave me so much happiness. 2-26-10<3
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My Wedding!!
I am going to ride up in a carriage much like the one in Cinderella. And guess what?? IM GONNA GET MARRIED IN DISNEYLAND!! duh. After the “I do’s” we will walk down the aisle as mr. and mrs…….well i havent thought that far yet. Instead of throwing rice or blowing bubbles, they will be throwing mini-marshmallows. So then we go to the reception which will be covered from floor to ceiling in christmas lights!! Everyone will think I look beautiful because ill have diamond [most likely cheap crystal] nails, and either a framed princess cut Tacori ring or a diamond bow ring. This is the ONLY wedding dress i like….ive seen thousands and this one is just perfect. Its off the should, ball gown style, and has tiny little crystals everywhere. So im thinking maybe my wedding color will be like a wine color…but im flexible with that. Im too picky to pick out a cake so maybe ill leave that up to the groom. speaking of groom……..fuckkkkkkk he’s gorgeous. definitely wouldnt mind marrying this Paul Meany guy <3 Sooooooo i got this all figured out…….pretty funny considering i dont believe in marriage huh??
![that ought to be interesting. i have school from 10am to 10pm on tuesdays and thursdays[with an hour or two break in between] and 10 to 3 on mondays and wednesdays. its definitely gonna be hard with all the homework and all that….but its gonna be even harder to have to leave Laila. i kinda wish i could work something out with danny so i wouldnt have to worry as much. but thats like wishing for the lottery….pointless. i got into the highest english class…hopefully that will someday help me out cuz right now i have no clue what im gonna major in. i think its pretty funny how i write about this stuff on here. i have only one “follower” whatever that means….and yet i spend all this time talking about myself like someone is actually listening.](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kwfa2rnIHL1qai3qqo1_250.jpg)
that ought to be interesting. i have school from 10am to 10pm on tuesdays and thursdays[with an hour or two break in between] and 10 to 3 on mondays and wednesdays. its definitely gonna be hard with all the homework and all that….but its gonna be even harder to have to leave Laila. i kinda wish i could work something out with danny so i wouldnt have to worry as much. but thats like wishing for the lottery….pointless. i got into the highest english class…hopefully that will someday help me out cuz right now i have no clue what im gonna major in. i think its pretty funny how i write about this stuff on here. i have only one “follower” whatever that means….and yet i spend all this time talking about myself like someone is actually listening.
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I’ve heard it from 3 different guys in the last 3 days. They went from these sweet charming men to psycho stalker types that wont stop reminding me of how much a bitch i am. why?? because i turned them down. well fucking sorry….ill just spend my whole life with you to make YOU happy. fuck…..i am a bitch arent i?? maybe i shouldnt be so picky. maybe i shouldnt be so rude about turning them down. but this is my life and i know when its gonna work and when its not. why waste my time when i know he isnt right for me??
i get called worse names and ive had worse things happen to me…so really its not the name calling thing that bothers me. and even though its insane, its also not the ‘one second i think your cute and cant wait to take you out and literally the next second im gonna text you saying bitch quit wasting my time’ thing either. its the looooong emails i get saying all these horrible things….about why im lonely, single, jobless, stuck in this little town. about why Laila has no dad, why i have no car, why i will never be married. its all those things because even though these guys dont know ANYTHING about me or my situations…………..i think they’re right.
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so im not against tattoos….but they’re just not for me.
i think im scared of anything long-term/permanant.
buuuuut lately ive been really intrested in them.
the art work on some of these really caught my eye…who knows…maybe ill get one someday.
1. i think it sooo amazing to have you child’s name on your ring finger…it would mean even more if danny did the same but he never would.
2. ohmigosh how cute is that?!!? i have her footprints from the hospital paper so it would be super adorable!
3. eh….this one just reminds me of how people get dumb tattoos cuz they’re young lol.
4. don’t know why i like this one but i do. i don’t know much about art or cherry blossoms…..but this just drew me in. gorgeous.
5. i just love the idea of big wings on my back….but not fairy princessy wings. these are perfect.
6. hehe…this one is just emo :]]
7. wow….just incredible. prolly my favorite even though i couldn’t imagine having such a big and noticable tattoo. but what a brilliant idea.
8. ahh bows….i love bows. i have this big bow ring that i wear all the time. i suck at drawing but i draw this bow all the time. i don’t know why…..but i liiiiiike bows ;]
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[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
Moonlight sonata
played by…me!
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i shouldnt have spent so much time on here with that “how to save a life” shit.
i shouldnt ever spend so much time on danny. its just lately…….i dont know. i went through my oldddd messages on myspace cuz i was looking for the unread ones and of course i opened all his. it literally still hurts me just as much as the day he did all that stuff. why?? its been almost 4 years. jesus danielle…..you are one fucked up girl if you cant get over something that happened so long ago!
i was talking to my best friends on the phone [his ex-best friend so he knows everything about us] and he said it hasnt technically been 4 years cuz he was still leading me on til about 2 years ago. and then overnight he just hated me. not like ‘grr you made me mad…i hate you’. its like ‘your nothing but a dumb bitch that i used for 2 years and nothing would make me happier then if you died right now’ kind of hate. overnight. just like that. i just dont get it.
its not that im not over HIM. he’s absolutely terrible. he is not even close to the guy i fell in love with so long ago. im just not over what he did to me. how can you know that somebody loves you with everything they have and just turn around and use them for a quick fuck?? how the hell can you look into the eyes of your childs mother and punch her?? its beyond me. sometimes i think about all the things he did to me and i hate him so much…sometimes i wish he would die. and then there are days like this where instead of hate, i just feel sad. broken. confused. like i need to focus on how to make it better….even though i know he isnt worth the effort.
what i really want is for him to be there for my daughter. he saw her 6 or 7 times in 2009…and most of those times we for like an hour or two. its crazy. while i was pregnant i KNEW he was gonna be such a great dad. and now he doesnt care when i tell him she went to the emergency room, she took her first step, she had her first day of preschool…..nothing. haha i dont even have a number to reach him at. its almost like he takes it out on her. its not fair to her. i dont know what to do….do i keep trying for her or is it better i stop?? maybe she will be better off without him like i would have been. i just dont know anymore.
i guess i will leave it up to him. ill just be this stupid girl waiting on him….like its been for the last 4 years.
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[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
so basically this is my song to danny.
every single word in this song means something to me.
i just dont understand how things got so bad.
i dont understand how to fix it…or if it should even be fixed.
he isnt the guy i met…and i dont think he ever will be again.
-How to save a life-
,Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it’s just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came
CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you’ve told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you
CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you’ve followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he’ll say he’s just not the same
And you’ll begin to wonder why you cameCHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
